Cross-sex friendship

Friendship between an unrelated male and female

A cross sex friendship is a platonic relationship between two unrelated people of differing sexes or gender. There are multiple types of cross sex friendships, all defined by whether or not each party has a romantic attraction to each other, or perceives that the other is interested. A few theories have been developed to explain the existence of such friendships. Research has been done on why men and women initiate these relationships, how they are perceived by others, implications for children with cross sex friendships, among others. Cross sex friendships can also create problems for those involved if either or both have or ever had any romantic feelings for the other.

Cross sex friendships play a large role in social relations of both men and women. They can be a cause of complications because of the potential for romance or sexual interactions. Monsour defines a cross sex friendship as a "voluntary, non familial, non romantic, relationship between a female and a male in which both individuals label their association as a friendship". However, just because these friendships are labeled as "non romantic", one cannot assume that there are no romantic or sexual undertones. Guerrero and Chavez suggest that there are four types of cross sex friendships: mutual romance, strictly platonic, desires romance, and rejects romance. This evolutionary theory predicts that cross sex friendships are formed by males for sexual access and by females for protection. This demonstrates one way in which cross sex friendships serve, in part, as a long term mating acquisition strategy. Having more opportunities to mate is an evolutionary advantage, however, being attracted to a cross sex friend creates negative social consequences. This is especially true for younger adults who are attracted to a cross sex friend, because these people report less satisfaction in their current romantic relationship. Also, middle aged adults tend to nominate attraction to their cross sex friends as more of a negative than a positive. Culturally supported rules about friendships and gender influence the formation of interpersonal relationships. For this reason, ideas of cross sex friendship can vary from place to place. While diverse cultures view relationships across genders differently, studies have shown that similar ideals for friendship seem to exist around the world in areas such as the United States, Europe, and East Asia. Additionally, adolescent definitions of cross sex friendships closely match definitions given by adults, suggesting that children develop perceptions on the matter by imitating the opinions of adults in their lives. During adolescence, a distinction starts to form between romantic relationships and platonic friendships, which is influenced by personal experience as well as exposure to media and popular culture. Teenagers learn from portrayals of romance on television and base their own relationships on these representations. When coworkers or other third parties see a cross sex friendship in the workplace as romantic, this relationship is often viewed negatively, hurting both the male and female worker. This concern becomes specifically prevalent when dealing with cross sex friendships between superiors and subordinates. It is more likely that this relationship can be misconstrued as often the subordinate, usually a female, might be seen as trying to make advances in order to further their career. Due to this heightened awareness of sexual harassment occurrences, many individuals will step back from cross sex friendships as they can sometimes be misinterpreted by the opposite sex individual or bystanders as sexual harassment. In the study conducted by Elsesser and Peplau, it was stated that most men interviewed in their study often think over conversation topics before initiating conversation with women coworkers, in fear that their comments would be misinterpreted as sexual harassment. Hence, when one is limited to forming friendships with those of the same sex, certainly, they are being deprived of advancement in the workplace.

Research has been done in the areas of attraction, protection, perception, cross sex friendships throughout development, and touch and sexual activity between cross sex friends. These studies find that there are some evolutionary and social benefits to cross sex friendships. However, there are also some negative social consequences.

Within cross sex friendships, men judge sexual attraction and the desire for sex as a more important reason than do women for initiating their friendship. Additionally, men are more sexually attracted to their opposite sex friends and have more frequent desires to have sexual intercourse with their opposite sex friends than women are. Reeder found that there are four types of attraction within cross sex friendships: subjective physical/sexual attraction, objective physical/sexual attraction, romantic attraction, and friendship attraction. Subjective physical/sexual attraction occurs when one of the individuals in the friendship is physically attracted to the other. Objective physical/sexual attraction happens when one individual thinks that the other is attractive in general, yet they are not attracted to the person. Romantic attraction within the cross sex friendship occurs when one of the individuals within the friendship desires to turn the friendship into a romantic relationship because they believe he or she would make a good girlfriend or boyfriend. Friendship attraction is simply when an individual feels very platonically connected to his or her friend. The four types can coexist together within a friendship or can occur separately. Furthermore, the type of attraction that an individual feels within a cross sex friendship can change over time. Within Reeder's sample, friendship attraction is the most prevalent type of attraction within cross sex friendships. Even when participants felt other types of attraction within their cross sex friendships, they prioritized their friendship attraction so that the relationship would not be ruined.

Historically, women have been more vulnerable due to their smaller stature and lesser strength, on average, compared with men. Thus, women have consistently needed to secure protection for themselves. Seeking protection from men would have been an evolutionary advantage as women who do so increase their reproductive success, which has caused an evolved preference for men who are willing and able to offer protection. Therefore, it is not surprising that Bleske Rechek & Buss found that women judged physical protection as a more important reason for initiating an opposite sex friendship than did men and that opposite sex friendship is a strategy women use for gaining physical protection.

The way in which other individuals perceive cross sex friends can affect the friendship itself. Cross sex friends sometimes face the audience challenge within their social groups, which occurs when other people assume that they are in a romantic or sexual relationship and the cross sex friends have to present themselves as just friends in response. Schoonover and McEwan state that since male female romantic relationships are the norm, people often assume that cross sex friendships have the potential to develop into a more intimate relationship. The different types of cross sex friendships will experience the audience challenge in different ways. Strictly platonic friends are least likely to bring about the audience challenge, while mutual romance are the most likely to face the audience challenge. The number of cross sex friends an individual has also plays a role in how their cross sex friendships are perceived. When an individual has numerous cross sex friendships, they are much less likely to face the audience challenge. Regardless of the severity of the audience challenge, those in cross sex friendships have been found to spend a considerable amount of time thinking about how their relationship is perceived by others, according to the results of a study that surveyed young adults in cross sex friendships. If the peers within their social network of friends want or believe that the cross sex friendship is romantic, issues could potentially arise in other relationships. For example, if either member of the friendship has a romantic partner, that person could become jealous or suspicious, which could create tension and destroy the cross sex friendship. Therefore, the surrounding social network's opinions of the cross sex friendship can change the degree that the friends have to worry about the audience challenge. In other words, as the network's support of the cross sex friendship as a strictly platonic relationship increases, the audience challenge decreases. However, while the audience challenge can be a problematic issue for certain types of cross sex friendships, it has found to not be commonly experienced within cross sex friendships at large.

Cross sex friendships in childhood and adolescence often have an immense impact on adult cross sex friendships. Successfully forming cross sex friendships in childhood is often an indication that these individuals will be able to form positive cross sex friendships later in life. Thus, early cross sex friendships act as a blueprint for further social interactions. Children's social skills and behavior can be altered based on whether or not they have predominantly same sex friends or cross sex friends. One study by Kovacs, Parker, and Hoffman, they found that children who primarily had friends of the opposite sex were perceived to be more aggressive, yet less shy by others. Furthermore, teachers said that the children with primarily friends of the opposite sex had lower academic performance and social skills, but faced less stereotyping in regards to gender roles and were better adjusted to their social atmosphere than children with few friends in general. Results from Kovacs, Parker, and Hoffman's study show that children who have a best friend that is the opposite sex have poorer social functioning abilities. Yet, when children have friends primarily of the same sex, but some cross sex friendships, they tend to be more well adjusted and have stronger social skills. Cross sex friendships in adolescence are very different than in childhood. In adolescence, cross sex friendships are not only more accepted by peers, but also can increase an individual's social status among same sex peers. A study on adolescents in 6th through 8th grade conducted by Malow Iroff discovered that adolescents often use the creation of cross sex friends as a road to popularity because children with both cross sex and same sex friends are more accepted by both sexes. Adolescents mainly look for cross sex friends who are sociable, as they expect less from these friendships as they do from same sex friends.

In cross sex friendships, Miller, Denes, Diaz, and Ranjit found that when men believe the friendship to be strictly platonic, they are more open to touching their friend. However, when they think intimacy may be increasing in the relationship, they are less likely to desire casual touching. In contrast, the opposite was discovered to be true when it comes to women. Miller et al., found that women report being more uncomfortable if touched by their cross sex friend in a public situation than men did. When there is touch between cross sex friends, no matter how much intimacy is involved in the friendship, men tend to be more aroused by the touch than women are. The researchers hypothesize that the research results may have been confounded by a social desirability bias because women may be less likely to admit arousal from the touch of a cross sex friend out of fear of being negatively labeled by others. Afifi and Faulkner investigated instances in which individuals had sexual interactions with their platonic cross sex friends. 51% of their sample had sex with their friend when they had no intention of pursuing a romantic relationship with them, and 34% of participants noted having sexual relations with their friend on multiple occasions. Within Afifi & Faulkner's study, of those who had sex with their friend, two thirds stated that it improved their relationship and 56% stated that the relationship did not develop into something romantic. Sexual interactions are recognized as a possible outcome of cross sex friendships. In the face of these sexual overtones, some welcome the sexual tension in their cross sex friendship while others note that the potential intimacy could destroy their relationship. Schnoonover built research upon O'Meara's audience challenge and found that members of Guerrero and Chavez's different friendship types may experience challenges differently. For example, for "mutual romance" couples, members may be approaching the preliminary romantic stage of the relationship and if their romantic feelings feed into their behaviors toward each other, then they will be the most likely to be mistaken for a romantic couple. In contrast, "strictly platonic" friends should be the least likely to prompt the audience challenge. When looking at how men and women's same sex relationships work, men tend to talk about more of their problems and open up more with women, rather than their other male friendships which tends to facilitate a bit of a gray area of what is expected when a man and a woman are friends. Cross sex friendship can exist after marriage when the married couple transition out of the passionate phase. Original feelings while dating are feelings of passion and what many describe as love, however as the relationship progresses through the years and into marriage, studies have found these feelings to be diminished and transition into more of a friendship. This is a topic of controversy as some argue it cannot be labeled as a cross sex "friendship" but rather a romantic relationship, however a study by Alan Booth and Elaine Hess dictates that almost all cross sex friendships can have some sexual/romantic influence, however it does not discount the friendship. The "friend zone" has also focused on the argument that two people of opposite sexes can never be friends, and many saying that no friendship can occur after one party has made it evident that they have romantic feelings for the other. This coincides with questions on if the parties involved can have had or currently have romantic feelings for one another, or if a friendship must be based on solely feelings of platonic friendship for the duration of the friendship. The definition of a cross sex friendship that J. Donald O'Meara gives is a relationship between a man and a woman that is not primarily focused on romance, but is not always void of romantic feelings, meaning that once one party had been in the "friend zone" as long as the relationship is primarily aimed towards a friendship, it is still a cross sex friendship. Researchers in child development psychology, more specifically a study done by Donna M. Kovacs, Jeffrey G. Parker and Lois W. Hoffman looked into children's cross sex friendships, and found an absence of these types of friendships at younger ages. This raised cause for concern within the study as the researchers discussed how this could be due to a greater separation of genders at younger ages, which can reinforce societal defined gender roles, and prevent these types of friendships, which can be beneficial to development, from occurring.